The Only Way Is Up
by Mizander
Summary: Imagine, for just a second, that you had it all. Now sit back and eat a few snacks while you watch the Irken Empire find out the hard way that having the Universe enslaved isn't quite as much fun as the conquest. Chapter 5. I've been busy.
1. Chapter One

**Title:** The Only Way Is Up  
**Author:** Mizander  
**Rating:** R  
**Summary:** Imagine, for just a second, that you had it all. Now sit back and eat a few snacks while you watch the Irken Empire find out the hard way that having the Universe enslaved isn't quite as much fun as the conquest.  
**Warnings:** Sit down for a second. Yeah, Right now. This story contains SLASH. Slash entails Homosexuality. IF you do not like the idea of a HOMOSEXUAL relationship between two males, do yourself a favor and click the back button right now and go find something more suited to your tastes. Or, if you REALLY feel the intense burning need to waste your time flaming me, go right ahead. I could do with a laugh, but remember, instead of entertaining me - you could be playing outside in the sunshine. It's alll up to you...  
  
**Chapter One:  
**  
There was something different about the Universe tonight. A trans-finite span; star systems, galaxies and voids, from the sentient beings that inhabited some of them and the deafening silence that drifted through others. All of these things felt the change to their core. For the past seven years (if one went by Earth standards), the Universe had been slowly burning with fever, trapped in a nightmare from which it could not wake. Tonight, the dream had finally ended, and the realization of calm was dawning so bright it caused even the most burned out star to twinkle with renewed salience.  
  
Operation Impending Doom II had come to an end, at last drawing the final curtain on seven years of brutal bloodshed and genocide. It was in this spirit that cheers of sheer joy drifted up from the surface of planet Conventia, where thousands of partygoers had gathered in celebration of the hard-won victory. Truly, it was a great day to be Irken.  
  
It was an even better day to be an Invader, as the thirty-two elite soldiers were privy to a kind of incredible, unheard of popularity usually only enjoyed by the Tallest. All had arrived home safe and sound in the end, and even Skoodge could be seen preening under admiring glances as a rather diminished-looking rat creature in a muzzle drudged past, laboring under the weight of an enormous basket of nachos and cheese. A messenger weaving his way quickly through the crowd even waved respectfully as he worked his way towards the podium at the front.  
  
"Um...My Tallest! The large-nostril slaves have made everything ready for your big speech!" the messenger bowed respectfully and immediately scurried away. Once a mere drink-server, he was anxious to return to his new, cushy job of ordering around an inferior species.  
  
"Eh...? Oh...Oh that's...that's really nice there..." Eyes half-lidded, Tallest Red waved a hand in a random direction, wavered with the effort and knocked back another sip of his drink to top it all off.  
  
Purple giggled just as unsteadily and grabbed his own drink from it's resting place, slopping half of it onto the floor in the process. "Hey! You! Ugly...Vort-thing. More drink!"  
  
The beverage in question - discovered by the incredibly lazy but gloriously celebrated Irken leader Almighty Tallest Lush, produced a curious effect in the Irken brain which essentially caused the Pak signals and commands to be completely shorted out and ignored. With no demanding electronic brain to guide it, the meat-brain became increasingly relaxed and intoxicated the more of the beverage was consumed. In otherwords, the Tallest were celebrating being supreme rulers of the entire Universe by getting themselves completely plastered.  
  
"My fellow Irkens!" Purple threw his hands up in a melodramatic address much to the consternation of the drink-serving Vortian, as the action ultimately caused the newly filled drink to end up on the ground once again. Red found something about this incredibly amusing, and proceeded to come down with a nasty fit of the giggles, bracing himself against his co-ruler and sending both of them careening to the ground. The expression on Red's face was mildly confused and irritated as he picked himself up. The moment passed however, and soon both leaders were all smiles again, though it seemed to be a mutual decision not to proceed with any more attempts at speech making.  
  
Shaking his head to clear some of the dizziness, Purple gestured to the screen behind them, which was now lit with a soft blue glow. "We promised some entertainment for the party tonight..." here he had to pause for the crowd to finish roaring it's approval of such an idea. "...and here it is."  
  
"I think you'll all remember what happened at the Great Assigning..." Red narrated, rubbing his two-fingered claws together in anticipation. "We sent Invader Zim to Planet Earth, but eventually managed to block him from making any return calls to Irk! Now is the time when we will find out whether he is dead, or whether he still thinks the Invasion is going on! Remember! There's a prize of a thousand monies to the winner who came closest to predicting his actual fate, and a prize of a hundred to whoever came up with the most creative and messy death!"  
  
"Now's the time to put in for last-minute votes!" Purple yelled, tossing a handful of voting slips into the crowd. There was a mad scramble among the masses, but eventually everyone was settled, watching with anticipation as the formerly blue screen blinked to life.  
  
They were met, as expected - with a string of insanity. What was not expected was that this insanity did not pour forth from the mouth of that deranged robot, nor did it issue from the lackluster sense of logic the diminutive Zim possessed. Suspended inside of a test tube, a creature - embarrassingly naked and wild-eyed with true insanity screamed derelict nonsense at the many pairs of eyes that gawped at him from on the newly lit screen.  
  
"Is...that...a human?" An Irken in the crowd cringed in terror, losing her head completely. "It's so UGLY!"  
  
"Do they all have such big heads?" another asked of his companion.  
  
The assembly glared down the raving creature another few seconds, before one of the less intoxicated individuals finally put forth a more intelligent question. "...did...ZIM catch that specimen? I thought he was supposed to be incapable of catching a cold."  
  
At this, Red seemed to recover himself slightly. "Track for Irken Zim." he instructed the communications officers. In a moment, the picture on the screen changed from the interior of Zim's lab to a landscape pan, but instead of putting minds at relative ease, more concern was raised.  
  
"There's so much FIRE." Purple noted, not bothering to keep his voice to a whisper.  
  
Indeed, the landscape was excruciatingly grim. Piles of charred rubble littered the ground, which was a mere blackened mess of burned wildlife and scorched concrete against the horizon of an unnaturally smoky grey sky. Many of the offending piles still blazed bright like little funeral pyres, the unholy glow illuminating the only living creature to be seen for miles, as it stood atop a particularly formless mess, arms raised to the sky in triumph, Irken banner at it's side and laughing and laughing as though it could never stop.  
  
"Eh...we DIDN'T send anyone else to that part of the galaxy did we?" Red asked Purple, attempting to keep his voice level and devoid of anything like awe, even though the only awe he felt for Zim was merely related to the fact he'd managed to do anything competent.  
  
"No..."  
  
But Purple's reply was drowned by the exuberant cheering of the rest of the Irken civilization. The two leaders exchanged a significant glance. In the spirit of the occasion, the Irken public seemed to have forgotten that Zim was a hated figure in their existence, and were more interested in the fact that that 'Earth' planet, no matter how dirty and useless it was - was now property of Irk.  
  
"INVADER ZIM ROCKS!" yelled someone in the crowd, and there was a roar of agreement, setting the seal on the two leader's course of action.  
  
"YES!" yelled Red, stepping to the front of the podium. He leaned over to mutter to Purple. "I can't believe I'm doing this...", then coughed and addressed the crowd once more. "As soon as Zim returns to his base, we can REWARD HIM PROPERLY!"  
  
Purple moaned. "But I really hate Zim."  
  
"So do I, but I have an idea." Sometimes, Red wished his co-ruler could at least put something forward for the effort. It just wasn't fair that he had to come out with all the good plans.

* * *

It had been his dream since receiving his consciousness at birth to be standing right here, amidst the ruins of a world, and declaring his victory in the name of the Irken Army. The Tallest would contact him once they knew....and they would know. He'd caught them secretly monitoring his progress before. The signal had been snapped away and blocked every time he'd acknowledged it, but...today seemed different. The signal had never lasted so long. Could this finally be it? The wondrous moment of retribution for all his hard work in conquering the Earth-monkies?  
  
"MY TALLEST!" bounding down from the remains of the Skool, he made off in the direction of his base. It was a full hour shorter than he usually finished cackling, and it would probably also cut into the time he would later have to further torment the Dib, but what did that matter when he would finally once more be able to see Irk?  
  
Nearly throwing himself down into the bowels of the base and repressing GIR's daily complaint of why there was never anything more on the TV by starting up the DVD player, Zim burst into his private control chamber and came to a sudden halt. For as long as he'd wished for this day to come, he now felt entirely overwhelmed by the group staring back at him from the view screen. His Tallest, his fellow invaders...his fellow Irkens.  
  
The moment didn't last long. "My...Tallest!" he gasped. "I'm so glad you've finally decided to contact me! I know you are just waiting to congratulate my superior conquest of the FILTHY HUMANS! Thankyou, Thankyou, Yes, yes, I am BRILLIANT!" he added to the roaring crowd.  
  
"Um...yes. Of course Zim. Wonderful Job." stated Purple, trying to keep the harassment out of his voice. Given the choice between openly mocking Zim as he longed to do, and keeping his high level of popularity with the Irken masses, both leaders knew which won out.  
  
"We are pleased that you have so evidently eliminated the need to send out the Armada." Red added slyly. "And we…"  
  
"Of course, of course, Zim is an excellent Invader." the diminutive Irken cut his leader off with a wave of his hand, causing Red to forcibly cut off the angry growl that threatened to explode from him. "Now, about my reward!"  
  
This time, Red actually did growl, but as Zim went on - the volume of his voice projected through the convention hall mercifully exempted that from anyone's notice. "I SHALL RETURN TO IRK! AND, I SHALL BRING THE DIB..." here Zim gestured over his shoulder at the still raving specimen in the tube. "...WITH ME, AS PROOF OF MY GLORIOUS VICTORY!"  
  
"...That's it?" Red asked, some of his anger beginning to ebb. "You don't want anything else?"  
  
"Maybe an army of Robot pig-slaves?"  
  
"None of the other Invaders got robot Pig-slaves, Zim." Purple said with exasperation.  
  
"OH. Well then...uh...then I'll just be HOME SOON! INVADER..." there was the briefest of pauses, as Zim savoured that word. "…ZIM, SIGNING OFF!"  
  
Cheers erupted once more around the base, and both Tallest mutually grabbed for another drink. Things looked a lot prettier through an intoxicated haze. It was really a pity that if one consumed too much of this chemical, the Paks built up an immunity as they were designed to do. Red for one, was willing to risk it, if it helped him deal with Zim's return.  
  
"Uh, Party's over!" called Purple, waving his arms to attract the attention of the crowd once again. The gauntlet on his right wrist came into contact with something as he waved, and he turned around seconds later to face an exceptionally pissed off Red. Hovering back a bit, he put up his hands in a placating gesture and frowned. "Hey...Red, I didn't mean it."  
  
The Irken co-leader growled, inexplicably angry. Drunk as he was, Purple couldn't help but notice that there had been something bizarre about Red's behavior all night long really. Although Purple tended to be more relaxed about most things, Red usually was quite even-tempered. Ever since Operation Impending Doom II had ended however, the other Tallest's anger management skills had gone down the proverbial tube. In a way, Purple really couldn't blame Red. It had been a long time – approximately four years by the revolution of Irk, they'd both been caught up in a bloody war. Red had always been rather excited over the prospect of bloodshed, and it was more than possible that he was experiencing 'withdrawal'. Whatever the reason, it was probably best that the party was ending now.  
  
As he hovered shakily away with the final glass of intoxicating chemical taking hold, he barely noticed the equally unsteady laser blast that left a smoking hole in the hovercraft mere centimeters from where he had previously stood.  
  
Red on the other hand had noticed, and his temper rose still more as a result.. In light of the party however, there really were very few guests who noticed that the Almighty Tallests Red and Purple, normally inseparable, left the affair in separate envoys. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Title:** The Only Way Is Up

**Author:** Mizander

**Rating:** R

**Disclaimer:** None of this belongs to me. It belongs to Jhonen Vasquez and Nickolodeon, and quite possibly some other people who aren't me as well. Also - this chapter borrows several lines verbatim from the cancelled script: "The Trial". I have itemized these at the end of the chapter.

**Chapter 2:**

_PLANET DEVASTIS - Several years after HORRIBLE PAINFUL OVERLOAD DAY part II_

Hundreds of Irken Soldier-class potentials sat in lecture-hall style rows, each wearing a holographic helmet and an expression of utmost concentration. The room was almost deathly silent, save for the occasional rustle as someone shifted or coughed. Suddenly out of the midst of the hundreds, one individual took off his equipment and, setting it down neatly made his way from the room. Try as he did to be quiet, the movement attracted several of his fellows, a few of whom took off their own helmets to mutter among themselves.

"He's ALWAYS done first..."

"...First in line for snacks EVERY day..."

"So Lucky..."

"Did you hear? They're going to make him an INVADER!"

The Irken in question gave a grin and a wave to the seated individuals, eliciting a bit of clapping. A few more students took their helmets off at the noise, and the proctor at the front of the room was forced to stand up.

"Sit back down everyone! May I remind you that this is an IMPORTANT EXERCISE?" He eyed the soldier at the front. "You. Get going to designated snack break." He sighed. Young Irkens were just so easily distracted.

Looking slightly abashed, the students sat back down and replaced their training helmets while the one lucky enough to have completed his work quickly let himself out of the room.

The proctor Irken, General Nabi sat down with a sigh, running a finger over the seating lists. He was not, as every student in the system thought - here as a result of overcrowding due to Horrible Painful Overload Day. While it was true that there were two generations worth of smeets here on Devastis, there was no need for teachers. Soldiers learned from holo-simulations and there were always enough educational plug drones to monitor that. Nabi had a higher purpose in mind.

After the untimely and unplanned death of Almighty Tallest Miyuki, Almighty Tallest Spork had been brought to power. As an unwitting contender for Miyuki's title in the first place, Spork was a logical choice - his mentality and personality had already been approved. Unfortunately, he was also well past his life-expectancy and a younger, longer-reigning Tallest had to be found. With the sheer number of smeets in the Soldier training programs, this was as good a place to start as any. The only problem that arose was that many individuals had caught the attention of the General. This cadet was merely one of them.

---

Red wandered the halls, enjoying the quiet. He could take his time getting to the designated snack break, as chances were his colleagues wouldn't be done for quite some time. Although Irkens were solitary creatures by nature, Red had been mildly unusual in that he did seem to be able to tolerate more company than most. Fortunately for him, his skill made him well known enough that it didn't seem to matter that he associated with outcasts. Between Zim, Purple and Skoodge, it really didn't leave much room for intelligence. Of course, it did make him look all that much better by comparison.

"...really, they're not Invader material."

The sound floated out of one of the nearby doors and Red paused, looking around. That had been Instructor Nabi's voice. The talking continued, and Red located the source, hidden on the other side of the door, and eavesdropping.

"...there are several. One of them is that cadet from my class - Red. The other is Min from Squadron C and that crazy Zim. He may not win any awards for popularity but he does seem to have a lot of clout over the more impressionable minds."

Red's squeedily spooch had nearly broken the second he'd heard his name. HIM? Not Invader material? That was absolute insanity. He was top of the class, he was top of Squadron B, and...and...that couldn't be right! Min too - well, her high-scores were certainly never in the top five, but her piloting skills were usually top notch. He could see her maybe fail to make it as an Invader, but she certainly didn't seem about to be kicked out of the academy. Zim...well, yes, now that one made sense. Zim was pretty hopeless, and probably defective. That notwithstanding, Red found the little Irken an infinite source of hilarious stupidity, and would be sorry to see him go anywhere...that is unless Instructor Nabi came to his senses and didn't kick him and Min out as well.

"Thankyou General, you've been most helpful. We'll begin preparing those three for Tallest status." There was rustling in the room, and Red took off. Being caught eavesdropping certainly wouldn't help his situation any. There was a brief pause while the door opened, and the footsteps faded mercifully away in the opposite direction from Red's hiding place. Alone once more, the Irken tranee began to piece together what he'd just heard.

First, there was Instructor...or rather, General Nabi. Yes, now that the honorific had been attached, this made sense to Red. Nabi had been one of Almighty Tallest Miyuki's personal bodyguards. More importantly, what was this about him and Min and Zim being prepared for Tallest status? Red and every other smeet had always been told and furthermore believed that there was no way to tell who was going to be Tallest. He and Purple had once made fun of Zim for making a statement about what he'd do when he was Tallest.

So that begged the question; what did Zim know that he didn't? And how about Min? Red glanced idly at the nearest time piece and in shock, leapt to his feet. He only had a few minutes left in the designated snack break period, which had started long ago. Unless he left now, he wouldn't get any food at all.

---

Now carrying a tray laden with food, Red made his way to the table in the back corner, ignoring the many yelled promises of vacant seats that came his way. There was always a seat left there without fail - as the three individuals who otherwise occupied it were just not popular enough to warrant any other company.

"Where were you?" Purple demanded, shifting slightly to allow Red more room. "I thought you finished early. That last exercise was HARD!" he sighed. "I don't see how you manage it all the time."

Around a mouthful of food, Zim scoffed. "I could beat him any time I liked. I'm just holding back is all...because the sheer FORCE of my BRILLIANCE would make the pitiful brains of every instructor in here EXPLODE!"

"Wow, REALLY?" Skoodge quivered with excitement and admiration, slipping to the edge of his chair, while Purple laughed loudly.

"YEAH, RIGHT. Brilliance." He paused, noticing Red's silence, and elbowed him sharply in the side. "Hey! Don't take it so seriously! It's ZIM!"

Red forced a chuckle, but soon went back to wondering what exactly it was that Zim DID know. He'd NEVER seen him as a potential rival of any kind - perhaps he should have been giving him more attention all these years.

"Heh heh...maybe you've got a shot Zim!" Purple gave Red another poke, this time in the shoulder. "He's gone all defective on us. You in there Red?"

Giving his head a little shake, Red tried to push the results of his eavesdropping to the back of his mind as he finished his meal. He chatted with the others, and spent some quality time baiting Zim like he always did. Perhaps a bit too much, as even Skoodge made comment to him afterwards about his audacity.

---

The next day passed without incident, until the Squadron battle simulation that took place in the evening. Squadron B and Squadron C faced off. Normally Squadron Leader, Red purposely arrived late, taking the back left wing position opposite Squadron C's Min. With Red's usual spot empty, Zim insisted on filling it - which led most of the unfortunates in Squadron B right to their simulated doom. It was, however true that while Zim himself was a poor flier and an even worse strategist, the other Irkens obeyed him without question. Min was in top form herself...he was sure she had given him a nasty look as they battled...or was that just concentration. Unfortunately, between himself and Zim, which was all that was left after the nasty shoddy leadership-induced massacre, Min and the other Squadron C soldiers outclassed them completely.

After enduring an extra lecture the likes of which Squadron B had never experienced from the second Red had learned how to command the unit, it was evident that Zim had taken an even more serious dive in popularity than usual. But, as usual, the short Irken seemed to be above the angry remarks...or perhaps just oblivious to them. In fact, nothing particularly odd had happened since he'd heard the conversation - classes and simulations and tests...not to mention snack breaks had went on as normal through the day and night. Red was beginning to think he'd overheard wrong. After all, he'd been eavesdropping.

The weary Squadron B had arrived so late to the cafeteria that there was barely any food left at all. Skoodge and Purple - both in Squadron A had long finished and were making small talk at their usual table in the back when Red and Zim arrived. Zim was still babbling about what an amazing job he'd done, and Red scraped up his meager portion while fighting the strong desire to kick him. Again. He was sorely contemplating at least attempting to drown him in nacho cheese, when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Yes?" One of the food service drones that worked the cafeteria was blinking down at him.

"You two forgot your food." said the drone, setting full plates down in front of Zim and Red. For a second Red was overjoyed, but it started to dawn on him that they had been TOLD when they arrived that there was no food left, and rather irritably at that.

"Wait, we..." he started, but the drone was already gone. A new thought occurred to him, and he turned around, locating a second food-service drone circulating among the tables. A little more searching revealed Min and her colleagues sitting in a table near to the middle of the room. Judging by the confused look on her face, she too had just received a mysterious plate of food that she didn't order.

He ate the nachos but the incident set off a new wave of suspicion in Red. There were no more mysterious deliveries in the breaks to come either to Min or to the table in the back however, and the cadet checked himself in the nearest reflective surface every chance he got, but there was never any change. Comfortingly, neither of the other two had changed either. Naturally, after many such trials, his worries were starting to calm, but as seemed to be the trend of late, they were never left that way. This time however, his suspicions were definitely confirmed, but not in his favor.

The nighttime on Devastis was generally spent doing what most smeets called 'the boring stuff' - navigational planning and survival training. The long break that followed that was usually the quietest, where the most rest was able to be taken. Instead of silent Irkens trying to find the most solitude at tables meant for many individuals at once, there was a rather large and close crowd gathered in the middle of the room.

"What's going on?" he asked the nearest person, who happened in fact to be Zim. "What's going on over there."

"It's MIN." Zim's voice was somewhere between jealousy and reverence. "She's...gotten TALL. Heh Heh, it's just a matter of time, it'll be my turn next, and when I'm Talles....HEY!"

Grabbing Zim's arm in a vice-grip, Red forced himself through the crowd to get a better look. It stung his pride still more that he had to look up to do so. The female Irken was indeed taller, and her body was starting to bear changes that could only belong to a Tallest. Her spine had elongated considerably, and she had slimmed somewhat too.

"...I don't know! I just...woke up this way!" Min said, her tone suggesting she'd already said the same thing about a dozen times already. By the look on her face, she appeared confused, but certainly not about to complain.

"You're going to be Tallest, Min!" someone yelled, causing Red to squeeze Zim's arm hard in frustration. The shorter Irken gave an angry yelp and tried to wriggle out of the death-grip.

She laughed, joyfully. "And here I wanted to be an Invader."

Able to take no more, Red let go of Zim and stormed out of the hall, muttering angrily under his breath. No matter how he weighed it, trying to get information out of Min would be useless. Her words had been innocent, she definitely had none to give.

He replayed the events of the past month in his head, circulating them through brain and pak ad infinitum. The only thing that had been at all weird...had been...the food.

"The food, the food." still muttering to himself, Red slipped back into the cafeteria, undetected by the large crowd that was still gathered around Min. The kitchen was indeed empty, and a quick look around confirmed his hypothesis. Sitting apart from all the other portions was one lone serving, which Red was willing to make all bets - went to Min. There had to be some kind of drug or stimulant in there that made her grow. All he had to do was replace it near the front and remember which one it was so that he could 'innocently' take it. He was first in line every day, it would be perfect.

Just as he'd made up his mind to do the deed, the door creaked open, and he nearly dropped the plate entirely.

"What are you doing in here Red? I saw you come in here....and...What are you DOING?"

Red paused, both pak and brain working furiously, hands clutching Min's stolen plate. How could he explain himself. "Uh..."

"Hey! You've got...I heard that Min's supposed to get special meals from now on now that she's going to be the new Tallest...you're...you're stealing it Red! That's...wrong! I mean, I've done bad stuff...like set those seeker droids on Zim, but that's funny-wrong...and...and she's going to be THE TALLEST!"

Red set the plate down and waved his hands a little bit to calm Purple down, an idea having just occurred to him. "Listen...never mind Min. How would YOU like to be the Tallest instead of Her."

Purple shook his head. "Are you defective?" he backed away from Red slowly.

"No no. Listen." Red spoke urgently, eying the door. They could get discovered any moment, and then all hope would be lost. "You know that one exercise that I finished early? Well - I was waiting for snack break...and I overheard Nabi...that's...GENERAL Nabi...talking. He said that Me, and Min and ...get this, ZIM...were not Invader material. So I listened. How could I not? But they said they were going to make one of us Tallest instead. And then, Zim and I got that extra food that there "wasn't" when we walked in late...so did Min! There was something in that food Purple, Min just reacted to it faster than Zim or I did."

Purple's expression of hostility was beginning to calm somewhat, but he still looked as though Red was going to grab him and try to eat his brains.

"If WE eat this stuff, instead of Min, we'll be the Tallest. Whaddya say? You and Me." Red didn't particularly want Purple in on the deal, but here was a chance. He could use the other Irken as a scapegoat if they got caught. His incredible ability certainly pulled enough weight around this training facility that he was absolutely guaranteed to get off scot-free. Besides...he figured once they were Tallest, he could just...get rid of Purple. Right now the only important thing was this last chance at advancement.

Purple's eyes lit up, though his face remained passive, he was obviously weighing this hard. As tallest you didn't have to take Soldier training, and Purple wasn't particularly clever at it. That, and he knew that Purple had never enjoyed Red's popularity. This was a chance to be even better than important.

"Alright. I'll do it. But you'd better be right, and we'd better do this quick."

With a start, Red realized they'd been standing there far too long. Quickly, the two replaced Min's special plate with something of the generic variety, and distributed the rest of the nachos between two other plates. After making sure the coast was clear, they left the kitchen and hovered around the front of the line until the kitchen staff tired of ogling Min, taking of course, the two plates that had the special food.

With slightly reduced doses, it took a bit longer, but Red and Purple, both similar heights to begin with began to grow slowly and surely. Able to use their mutual alliance to sneak into the kitchens and replace Min's plate without detection, they were never discovered. Neither noticed it at first, but the height seemed to come in a natural fashion at first - a few inches over time, and then more readily. They feigned innocence, but it was truly a wonderful terrible secret, evil and twisted, and working beyond their wildest dreams.

---

As Red and Purple continued their growth, Min began to deteriorate. Her thin elongated spine, unprotected from the elements twisted und began to crumple under the weight of the rest of her. Without the Armour and the Hoverbelt to remove unnecessary strain from the skeleton, her bones slowly became crippled. She was subsequently removed from much of the Invader training, but allowed to remain with her flight simulations. This created more of a problem than it was worth - Min spent much of her newly acquired free time hobbling around the cafeteria, making life more difficult for the team to get any food switched. On the plus side, the dosage in Min's food had definitely been increased - whoever was in charge of this was evidently wondering what was going wrong with their new Tallest's growth spurt.

Today was a particularly good day to make the switch, as Almighty Tallest Spork was visiting the training facilities, and most Irkens were taking the opportunity to try and get a good look at their leader, maybe shake his hand. Nobody was near the cafeteria, and it looked like a perfectly clear shot.

At this time Red and Purple were now truly seeing the effects of whatever it was - Red's theory that it involved some sort of drug seemed to be quite accurate. Quickly switching the food, the two prepared to leave chattering between themselves about the brilliance of their plan, when Red's heart nearly stopped. Hobbling ahead of them, coming right from the same direction was Min. Had she seen them? Heard them? She was trapped though - how could she know that becoming the Tallest wasn't completely arbitrary. Plus, she was crippled now, and could only get worse, so much so that they didn't have to worry about her attempting to retaliate in kind.

Tallest Spork had finished addressing the crowd by this point, and shortly after arriving and mingling into the masses, Red excused himself from Purple's company to find Min. He had to find out if she knew anything or not.

"Excuse me!" He'd never spoken with her before, and his mind cast around for a topic to start with. He didn't care what he said, he was studying her reaction.

"Yes?" She turned to face him with some effort, and although her features reflected surprise, they didn't seem hostile. "Can I help you...Red is it?"

He nodded, at a loss for words. Having prepared for a conversation, and having learned all the information he needed after the first exchange, he wasn't sure what exactly he was going to say to her. "Oh - I was just thinking...what a disappointment it was that Squadron B and C were never matched up again. I would have liked to try beating you, without the...er...help of Zim."

"Oh, likewise." she said pleasantly, "But that will never happen. Haven't you heard? I'm not to be Tallest. I can't even fly any more either."

"Pity." Red cheered inwardly, feeling quite nasty at the moment. "Though, you know - if I'm ever Tallest, I'll make sure you get an excellent job as an advisor or senator. Something with a lot of sitting down."

"Thankyou. It's a great offer."

Red made his way back through the crowd, to find Purple now arguing with Zim.

"...WHY!? I mean...that's just SICK!"(1)

"What is?" Red asked.

"Training him to be an Invader."

Zim paid them no mind. "Hah..flattery aside, when I am TALLEST, I will make the EMPIRE rue ever having made me wait so long to rule them!"(2)

Red actually started to laugh. With his position secure, Zim's threat was nothing less than funny. Zim started to laugh as well, though Red didn't doubt he had no idea why he was laughing. As Zim threw himself into a fit of maniacal hysterics, Red elbowed Purple in the side. "She doesn't know a thing." he turned to adress Zim. "Yeah, well, if I were TALLEST, I'd PROBABLY put you on TRIAL to defend your life. Yep, THAT's probably what I'd do. Mmmhmmmm."(3)

Predictably, Zim ignored the threatening comment entirely, distracted suddenly by something he found in his pocket.

The next events were too horrible to think about. One moment Red was contemplating how well everything was going in his life, and the next moment he was diving for cover under rubble as a giant blob-monster came roaring into the room through the ceiling, devouring several Irkens where they stood, including the Tallest.

The cadets did well and eventually succeeded in driving off the Blob-creature, but it wasn't until the shock had worn off that the Irkens realized their planet was now minus an Almighty Tallest.

As the assembled Irkens mourned, the door opened to admit General Nabi and another assistant. Looking around, he grabbed Red by the arm. "This is..."

"Sir?"

"What is it Sploog?"

"Well Sir, I think that this one here is the same height as him."

"Nonsense!"

"No, Sir...they are."

"Well...this is unusual…I guess…it would seem that Irk has two Almighty Tallest."

And as Red grinned and waved, he made a promise to himself that this would be only a temporary arrangement.

---

_Present Day – The Massive_

Almighty Tallest Red frowned, hovering through his chambers irritably. Nothing on this whole ship had gone right since he'd invited Zim back – almost like it was preparing for the disasters that would occur upon his arrival.

He needed Zim back though, disasters and all. He'd worked hard to keep the little defective alive all these years. The fame of being Tallest had gone almost immediately to Purple's head, and among the many his co-ruler had killed, he'd been consistently gunning after Zim. It had taken much masterful coercion to change his mind about his fate.

The problem was that while Zim was so unbelievably dangerous, he was arguably the perfect tool to kill Purple off after all these years. All of Red's previous attempts had been failures, and there were only so many conceivable accidents that could be written off as precisely that. Zim was only a danger when he wasn't happy, and it would be easy for Red to convince him that HE, and not his partner had provided him with the things that made him happy. The secret mission, the Megadoomer, his…SIR Unit.  
The door swished up to admit an understandably wary-looking Purple, Red's temper had been off the unpredictable charts all week.

Red didn't even look up as the heavy door came crashing down on Purple's Pak, dislodging it slightly from his shoulders. The other Tallest looked vaguely dazed for a moment, before a soft suction noise preceded the device snapping back into its appropriate place.

"Ouch." Purple whined softly, rubbing his head and looking beyond worn out. "Nothing's been going right recently Red…"

"I know."

---

**Author's Notes:**

Yes, I know I said this story was going to be ZADR, and I haven't gotten there yet. But the second I started to piece together Red's motives, there needed to be back story, and hence we got this chapter. I hope it's a reasonable substitute. Next time is a good long look at Zim and Dib. Until then readers.

– From Cancelled Script "The Trial"

– From Cancelled Script "The Trial"

– From Cancelled Script "The Trial"


	3. Chapter Three

**Title:** The Only Way Is Up  
**Author:** Mizander  
**Rating:** PG-13/R  
**Summary:** Imagine, for just a second, that you had it all. Now sit back and eat a few snacks while you watch the Irken Empire find out the hard way that having the Universe enslaved isn't quite as much fun as the conquest.  
**Warnings:** Sit down for a second. Yeah, Right now. This story contains SLASH. Slash entails Homosexuality. IF you do not like the idea of a HOMOSEXUAL relationship between two males, do yourself a favor and click the back button right now and go find something more suited to your tastes. Or, if you REALLY feel the intense burning need to waste your time flaming me, go right ahead. I could do with a laugh, but remember, instead of entertaining me - you could be playing outside in the sunshine. It's alll up to you...

** Chapter 3 **

"Invader ship, coming through!" Several black suited Vortians scrambled to put down runway lights, as the ship roared into the hangar bay. A little too quickly for the control tower Vortian, as his horrified screams subsequently split the ears of everyone within hearing range. "It's coming in too fast!"

As predicted, the ship had indeed taken the landing too fast, the right wing taking out all of the runway lights, and the screeching stop wasn't quite fast enough to avoid toppling several precariously stacked, but mercifully empty fuel canisters aligned along the back wall. The slaves let out their breath and shook their heads darkly. They'd be punished for the damages, but it really could have been worse. That was the attitude one had to take these days.

The door to the ship slid open, but instead of an Irken figure emerging, the door framed a large containment tube. A hush fell across the assembled workers. Even the traumatized control-tower Vortian paused in his incessant screaming for a look at the bizzare scenario.

The creature in the tube hung completely motionless. Even for people who knew nothing about the human race, and these Vortians certainly knew nothing - it was plain to see that this specimin, this...creature had been poorly taken care of. For all they knew it had possibly starved to death long ago. It's eyes were closed, and although the fluid it was preserved in sloshed about, the creature did not once stir. A few bubbles surfaced near the top of the tank, but it could easily have been movement orientated.

"WELL?" a voice issued from behind the tube, echoing weirdly around the unusually silent bay. "Are you filthy slave-beasts just going to stand there? Or are you going to HELP ZIM?"

This statement was punctuated by a mighty, but unseen push to the tube, sending it skidding down the docking ramp. As it rattled to a halt, the eyes of the creature inside snapped open. Apparently it wasn't in fact dead, much to the horror of the Vortian slaves. Dead would have been better, had they known this was the alternative. The alien was even now making terrible, truly frightening noises.

As though on cue, the slaves high-tailed it out of the hangar bay. They'd risk the punishment.

"EH?" Zim blinked around at the now empty room, processing the situation. "FINE! Run from Zim! My Tallest will hear about this, and you will experience such Doom! OH WHAT DOOM YOU WILL EXPERIENCE!" Graciously, he gave the filthy creatures a moment or two to perhaps avoid their fate at the hands of Zim, but eventually resigned himself to transporting the Dib on his own.

Once again, this proved to be an issue. Back on Earth when he'd loaded the Voot, he'd had his base equipment to help him. Here, he was on his own - and the dwelling the Tallest had given him was oddly far out of the way. "GIR!" he barked. The SIR unit poked his head out of the Voot in response. "Come help me!"

As expected from the malfunctioning robot, it took a little while for him to settle down and acctually perform the action his master ordered him to do, but even with GIR's help, the containment unit was just too heavy for Zim.

"Well..." Zim glanced around, deep in thought. "The only other thing I can...OOH, NO, I won't even CONSIDER IT! MADNESS!"

With no one to respond to this logic, Zim seemed to be stuck. He marched around to the front of the containment unit, and slammed his fist down onto a glowing red square on the monitor. A few lights flashed and slowly, the fluids that held Dib in suspended animation began to siphon away. The human hit the floor of the tank, coughing and sputtering violently, chest heaving as the first true oxygen he'd breathed in far too long invaded his lungs. He began to shake with cold and depsite Zim's preparation for tirade or insanity, this seemed to be all he could do.

Zim huffed. Pathetic dirt-monkey couldn't even stand - and he'd only been in suspended animation. He motioned to GIR, who promptly grabbed the human by his protrubant spike of hair and hauled him away after his master. Zim thought at one point he'd heard the human whimper in pain, but when he turned around, Dib was silent, his eyes upon the alien but unfocussed and glassy, as though he was trying to see through him.

* * *

Zim frowned around at the domicile. It had taken awhile, and had been a long walk, but he'd eventually found it. How did the Tallest expect him to help run the planet if he was all the way out here - as far from the Massive docking bay as he could have been expected to be. 

It was at least furnished somewhat, and he had somewhere to store the human temporarily. He eyed the Dib suspiciously, as the human let out what seemed to be a gasp of relief when GIR hauled him up awkwardly onto the chair. Zim found almost instantly that he didn't like this very much "You're naked." he snapped at the human. "Put on some clothes."

In reply, Dib rolled over in the chair with obvious effort, his darkly circled eyes drifting shut.

Anger bubbled up in Zim at the obvious act of disobedience. These days, the Dib was so INSANE that he couldn't tell when or even IF the human was behaving that way on purpose. He couldn't afford to allow Dib to think he had his guard down for a second. Stalking over to a storage unit, he pulled out a set of spare Invader's uniforms and hurled them at Dib. They dropped haphazardly on him, and although his eyes were now open, he made no other movements. "CLOTHE YOURSELF STINK-BEAST!"

One of Dib's hands twitched jerkily where it lay at his side, but other than that, there still were no signs of activity.

Losing his head completely, Zim bounded over to the human, pinning him to the chair beneath his weight. His claws wrapped around Dib's shoulders and he shook him violently before dropping him back down. His antennae flicked aggressively forward, brushing the human's forehead as he leaned close. "You WILL wear the clothing that Zim has graciously provided you with!"

To Zim's satisfaction, Dib shrank back, a look of what seemed to be fear crossing his face. "YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT! COWER IN FEAR DEFENSELESS..."

The loud cough from behind him brought Zim back to sharp reality. He looked over his shoulder to find the view screen active, his venerable leaders staring down at him with a look of vague confusion on their faces.

"ZIM?" They were definitely both thinking it, but Purple put voice to it first. "What are you doing with that...thing?"

Squeedily spooch promptly undoing itself, Zim clambered off of the human, and turned to face the two leaders, bringing a hand to his forehead in sharp salute. "My Tallest! The filthy stink creature was being disobedient. I was merely disciplining it."

Purple's expression was rather disturbed. "Ooookay Zim..." He let the thought hang in the air a moment before shuddering and shaking his head, hoping to get rid of a few fairly disturbing mental images.

Red for his own part was ambivalent on the subject of Zim's interspecies exploits, implied or otherwise. The whole point was that this creature, whatever it was - was important to Zim. If Zim wanted it, HE wanted it too. While this would not have been a problem in the past, forcibly taking Zim's...Earth-creature from him would run contrary to his plans. Abruptly, Purple's voice bored into his thoughts, and he tuned back into his surroundings, glancing over at his co-ruler.

"Sooo, you're telling me that...thing of yours does nothing Zim? It just...lies there?"

"It has limited capabilities my Tallest." Zim replied, poking at the creature. "All it can do is sleep, eat and HAVE A GIANT HEAD!" The alien punctuated this exclamation with an almost desperate look at Dib. Long before Zim's successful conquest of Earth, Dib had finished with his prepubescent awkward phase, which much to his relief had put his head more into proportion with his body. Zim had discovered however, mostly as a result of being unable to come up with any new insults for the human, that the big-head jokes almost never failed to achieve the desired reaction.

If Dib had any idea of his current situation he would have most certainly faked a desirable reaction, if nothing else. Zim was upon him a second later, and the human instinctively curled up protectively against the new assault. Just seconds before Dib's hands flew to cover his face, his expression twisted bizarrely, a mixture of confusion and something that could have been anger.

Purple was attempting to command Zim's attention once more, trying to interject above the yelling, and waving his arms in annoyance. Red allowed it for a moment, watching the Dib carefully. The creature was skinny and repulsive, true - but that expression spoke of intelligence...and hatred. These were things he could always use. Maybe there was more to it than just wanting something because Zim wanted it.

Grabbing Purple by the shoulder he steered him away from the screen, allowing Zim's rage to run it's course. Putting his head closer to Purple's he spoke in an urgent half-whisper. "Listen...we should take that thing from Zim."

"Why would we wanna do that?" Purple didn't bother to lower his voice. Not that Zim was affected, but Red checked back over his shoulder just to be sure.

"Because that thing could be dangerous. You really want to end up like Spork or Miyuki?"

That was exactly the right thing to say. Purple tensed so suddenly that Red's fingers on his shoulder forcibly spasmed.

Wheeling out of their huddle and turning back towards the video screen, he spoke so sharply that even Zim's thick haze of self-interest was penetrated. "Zim, we're taking your...your...uh..."

"Dib." Red supplied from behind his co-ruler, twisting his face into what he hoped was a mildly confused expression.

"Yeah. Your DIB."

The reaction in Zim was immediate, poorly disguised panic. He waggled his antennae frantically, "Surely...the Dib wouldn't be important to you, my Tallest. It...may have, er...DISEASES! Yes! Horrible, human diseases that only ME, ZIM would have immunity to!"

Red could not have been provided with a better set-up. "Then surely you would want your leaders to examine this Dib so that cures and immunizations against such illnesses can be found to protect the Empire!"

Zim chewed on his lip, avoiding his leaders' gaze and obviously undergoing a very powerful internal struggle. He had always been loyal to a fault, but whether consciously or no, Zim always managed to put his own needs first. "But, My Tallest..."

"Oh no." Purple held up a finger and Zim fell silent. "Your Tallest command you. You'd better not refuse."

And that settled it. Zim's antennae flattened, and his expression was regretful as he agreed with a sharp salute. Within moments, the Tallest's personal command had been summoned. As dozens of armed guards and Irken research scientists sped to the out of the way dwelling where 'Invader' Zim was stationed, Dib having finally been left alone, dozed peacefully unaware of whatever fate awaited him on the Massive.

* * *

Red leaned back in the control chair of The Massive, drumming his fingers against the plastic cover of his drink. Purple sat down in the co-captain's seat, the leg of the chair snapping and sending him sprawling on the floor. Of course, that wasn't going to kill him, but with the Zim-plan underway and the Dib alien on it's way, just simply dishing out torment had become his new favorite pastime. He smothered a laugh as Purple picked himself up and found another chair, muttering to himself. 

Picking up a bag of donuts from a nearby table, Purple adjusted himself in the new seat to face Red. "Uh...do you REALLY think it's a good idea for us to bring that...uh...whatsit that Zim's got here?"

Red made a small strangled noise in response, his co-ruler's recently developed spasmodic twitching had made him choke laughing on his drink. Clearing his throat and coughing a few times, he nodded and delivered his well rehearsed response. "Of course it is. Zim ruins everything he gets his hands on - and this Dib-thing could be useful to us. We wouldn't want to leave something potentially powerful in his hands!"

Purple nodded. This made sense. And besides - wouldn't it be better for him to have the creature where he could see it if were a threat?

A light flashed in Purple's peripheral vision, and he turned to face the source. "My Tallest." A bipedal green-skinned alien with several long feathery tentacles protruding from it's head bowed low. "The retrieval task force has arrived."

"Great, great." Purple nodded, hand twitching nervously again, and the donuts slipped from his fingers to spill across the table.

"Bring the alien to the medical bay." Red interjected quickly. "And make sure it's not harmed, at least for now." He stood quickly.

Purple had a funny look on his face, but he didn't make to follow. "Why...are you so interested in this thing Red? It's really not like you."

Red came up short. He hadn't prepared for a question like this, he didn't think Purple would have been so smart as to ask.

Thinking quickly, he feigned a bored expression as he turned back. "...eh, besides the Zim thing, it's something new to do."

Purple nodded. "Yep, after Impending Doom Two ended, there really hasn't been anything new and exciting, has there.

_'Impending Doom Two hasn't ended yet...'_ Red smirked to himself as he turned to leave. _'In fact, it's really still in full swing.'_

_

* * *

_  
Fortunately for him, Dib's new captors did not see the need to put him into suspended animation a second time. His body was slowly recuperating itself, awareness creeping back slowly. There was nothing familiar around him, his addled brain making no sense whatsoever of the bulky suited and helmeted Irken scientists. Even their eyes could not be seen behind dark visors, and the only other instruments in the room were cold, unfeeling alien technology.

And then, from the other end of the room, a door opened.

Unsuited and unconcerned, the form of Almighty Tallest Red inspired the very first coherent thought Dib had had since arriving on this miserable, mechanized planet.

'_Fucking Irkens_.'

At first, Red had figured that the noises it were making were the sounds of mighty stupidity. Slowly however, those sounds began to unblur in his mind into the sounds of distinguishable phonemes. Wait - yes, that's right - Zim had made, however crudely constructed - a language pack for whatever alien words this creature was speaking. He'd ignored it until now, but a few minutes after digging it out, a rather impressive and quite understandable verbal assault was bouncing around the medical ward.

Red waited him out, using the time to peruse the report in a little more depth. There was some vague stuff here and there about humans needing food and water, which given the functions of the lab, Red may be able to use to his advantage. The water thing was a bit worrisome, but at least for now, this was not an issue. He turned his attention back to the human. Considering how much time he had spent antagonizing Dib, Zim's report on human vulgarities had ended up being extremely thorough. Personally Red didn't particularly understand how comparing him to bits of the female anatomy which ultimately ensured the survival of Dib's inferior species were supposed to insult him, but eventually the human had worn down, or at least run out of even the basest insults.

"Are you quite done?"

Dib jumped, obviously startled to hear his own language. He was immediately on-guard, Red noticed. Apparently allowing Zim to get the better of him had been a lesson well-learned. Pretending he hadn't heard the hostile tirade or noticed the nasty looks the human was shooting his way, Red calmly located and offered the human a glass of water. The heavily suited Lab Technicians around him gasped in what might have been awe or fear for their leader's well-being, but Red did not much feel like impressing. This was an important phase in his plan which demanded his full attention.

Dib accepted the glass, holding it in a loose grip but not drinking. Red hovered close, unconcerned. He doubted Dib had the energy to drink it, much less throw it at him, even if he had wanted to.

"Alright. Why are you doing this to me?" Dib's voice was a low croak, his body trembling and sweating with the effort of speaking.

"Drink the water." Red smirked at Dib's expression, then added. "And then I might answer your question." His expression changed abruptly, sending Dib quailing, water splashing over his lap. "In the future, you'll want to be addressing me as Your Tallest."

Dib mastered himself long enough to avoid spilling the water on himself further, and take a drink. The feel of the life-giving fluid he'd been deprived of for so long flowing down his throat pushed away the annoyance of expressing any submission to the Irken leader. He sat up a little straighter, and looked pointedly at Red.

"So, the question was, why am I helping you?" Red began, putting the emphasis on 'help'. Dib's eyes narrowed in response.

"...What makes you think I'm going to be won over by a few pretty words?" the human spat.

Red giggled. The smeetling didn't actually trust him. That was funny. "I just think you and I have something in common. Namely, neither of us like Zim."

This was apparently news to Dib, as his expression betrayed him. The words were reckless though. "And why can you trust me?

Your race destroyed my home planet. How do you know I'm not going to turn around and kill you all the second I get free?"

Laughing openly now, Red leaned over and patted Dib on the shoulder. He could really get to like this Dib-creature. "I'm thinking you won't. For one, I wouldn't let you. For another, you wouldn't have to deal with suspended animation or beatings anymore." He paused a moment. "Besides...I'm offering you a chance for revenge on Zim."

Now Dib actually looked interested, but Red didn't give him the chance to reply. "Think about it." he said cheerfully, turning and heading for the door. Halfway there he made a show of remembering something. "But one last thing before I go." he hovered back over and leaned close to Dib, the cheerful demeanor disappearing like so much smoke. Dib shivered, although the tall Irken wasn't touching him, there was something very chilling about being in such close proximity. "I wouldn't mention anything about our conversation to the other tall Irken who might come to speak with you, at least if you want to live. I may treat you better than Zim, but you still belong to me."

Feeling trapped, Dib nodded hurriedly. "Yes...my Tallest." Saying it felt like something was shredding his insides, but the Irken leader was apparently mollified and pulled away, all smiles again.

"Oh, and get him something to eat." Red added over his shoulder to the lab technicians, who immediately jumped to the task.

Within mere minutes, the technicians arrived with food for Dib. He accepted gratefully, feeling (and rightly so) that nothing he could do here could get him into a predicament any worse. Red's words played on repeat in his brain as he ate. A chance for revenge on Zim and a chance to regain the honor he had lost by allowing Earth to be destroyed.

He'd be stupid if he didn't take that chance, right?

* * *

**  
Author's Notes:**

Bah, this took awhile. And…uh…I don't have much to say. Hope the chapter was worth the wait. In Chapter 4 I know I want to get into how Zim managed to take over earth. :D.


	4. Chapter Four

**Title:** The Only Way Is Up

**Author:** Mizander

**Rating:** PG-13/R

**Summary:** Imagine, for just a second, that you had it all. Now sit back and eat a few snacks while you watch the Irken Empire find out the hard way that having the Universe enslaved isn't quite as much fun as the conquest.

**Warnings:** Sit down for a second. Yeah, Right now. This story contains SLASH. Slash entails Homosexuality. IF you do not like the idea of a HOMOSEXUAL relationship between two males, do yourself a favor and click the back button right now and go find something more suited to your tastes. Or, if you REALLY feel the intense burning need to waste your time flaming me, go right ahead. I could do with a laugh, but remember, instead of entertaining me - you could be playing outside in the sunshine. It's alll up to you...

**Chapter 4**

Dib sighed and leaned back against his cold bed, feeling doubly tense despite the improvement in living conditions that Red's visit had provided. His back muscles tensed and shifted uncomfortably against the cold metal operating table and he wondered idly at what might have happened to Zim. The Irken leader's proposal was still there, pricking at the edges of his mind, but Dib ignored it for now. That was a serious matter, best dealt with when he had achieved an understanding of what life would be like here, and was fully adjusted to the prospects.

Promptly, the door swished open, but instead of another scientist, the outside lights backlit a tall figure. Red apparently was back. As the Irken leader moved towards him, Dib noticed something amiss. The eyes on this one were purple, like Tak's had been. Abruptly, Red's words came back to him - this must be the other Irken that he had been warned about.

"Ooooh, Hey. Can it talk?" Purple jabbed a claw in Dib's direction, thankfully completely oblivious to the annoyance that Dib couldn't keep from his face.

The technicians looked around nervously at one another. Evidently they too were operating under a reminder of Red's prior words, and nobody wanted to be the first to disobey their Tallest's orders, whomever they were directed at.

"...Uh, a translator was installed, My Tallest."

"Well then, is it too stupid to speak, or what?"

Dib sputtered with barely suppressed rage, but kept his mouth shut against the angry words that threatened to bubble out of him. He had the feeling he might have been lucky with cursing out Red - for whatever reason, he had overlooked what should have by all rights been considered a serious act of insubordination. For all that he know, Purple was liable to fly off the handle at any moment, and Dib, for once in his life was determined to circumvent earning himself a bit more pain. Fortunately for him, Red had only asked that the details of their conversation be spared, and he was therefore able to speak to Purple about other things.

"I'm not an idiot My Tallest."

Purple laughed. "Of course you're not!" A claw poked at Dib's head and to his surprise, Dib did not feel quite as much compulsion to twitch away. There was something inherently different about this other Irken.

"So, what did you talk about with Red?" the question Dib had been dreading rolled out smooth as glass.

"Uhh, well, just...about...I don't know, Zim I guess..."

He'd evidently said the magic words. Purple made a face and waved his hand to cut the stuttering off, an order Dib was more than happy to comply with. "Ugh. Ugh, say no more. I don't want to hear about it."

The attention of this tallest fluttered around irregularly like a humming bird, and soon Dib could feel the sterile-smelling breath on the back of his neck as the Irken leaned forward to inspect him with interest. Having long been resigned to being poked and prodded like a piece of meat, Dib turned his attention to observing other things, the nervous clatter of shivering claws on metal and the irregular puffing of the breathing. Dib had been in Zim's care too long to suffer delusions that

Purple might have been scared of him, but it made him wonder what precisely was causing such a schisim in the expected high-and-mighty behavior.

For his own part, Purple had found that at least outwardly, Red had been right. There was nothing at all special about Zim's creature. It was a scrawny thing that looked as though it had never had any meat or muscle on it, ever. It wasn't really fit for slave work...maybe on an office work planet or mail-addressing planet. It might not even be clever enough for that - it had, after all, gotten itself captured by Zim. Maybe Red wanted to keep it as a pet of sorts...teach it to do certain chores around the Massive. He himself was getting rather bored with the Digestor - the last time he had been down there, it had almost taken his head off, as though someone had forgotten to feed it.

All in all, Purple liked this critter, Zim had abused it, but Red, and by association he himself, always looked down upon outright physical abuse of the slaves. Only if they got out of line, and that was that. Getting them to toe the line was almost always a exercise in mental coercion, at least with the more intelligent species. Their disgust at themselves for being caught and ordered around was the key. Always find a way to like them, even if they made it clear they didn't like you - that was important, according to Red. And Purple liked Dib.

"I suppose we can find you some kind of job around here. Make yourself useful and we won't stick pointy things in you."

Dib stared for a second at the frantic-paced claws that scrabbled uselessly against the metal surgical table Purple had propped himself against. His face remained for the most part impassive as he nodded slowly. Purple wasn't being kind, but his tone suggested that maybe this was the best that Dib could do for the rest of his life. He felt a little more comfortable as he nodded agreement.

* * *

Red turned off the camera and scowled at the blank screen a bit. Maybe he'd misjudged Purple somewhat. He didn't think that he would have had the intuition to figure out Dib. Hovering from the surveillance room and chewing on that idea for a bit, Red wondered if perhaps his plan was not as concrete as he thought. 

On the other hand, Dib was easy. The human didn't want to be liked, he wanted to be useful.

So what if Purple had managed to figure out that Dib would "like" him if he felt needed. Maybe he could also figure out that

Red would like his co-ruler too if he would just drop dead.

* * *

The out-of-the-way planet of Sludge was currently being paved over, and what remained of it's race of people were in the process of supervising a construction of large flashy malls and shopping complexes. It was long, tedious work, as the aliens in question were small, reptilian creatures with multiple eyes. They were barely tall or strong enough to carry the lightest of supplies, and their movement was limited to a six-legged insectile scuttle. 

The Irken answer to this was to send some "supervisors" from the lower rungs of society - the food-service drones, the janitorial staff. Most of these individuals were only too happy to leave their drudge work in the hands of new slaves in order to go yell at some stupid, inferior race.

This particular batch however, were missing their former lives terribly not five minutes after they boarded the aircraft that would bear them out to Sludge. Naturally, as they were sharing living space with Zim, it had taken him only that long to come under the assumption that he was in charge of this group of Irkens - and was fully planning to spend the rest of the journey imparting his vast, superior Invader knowledge to them.

Tales from a successful Invader such as himself would surely impress the lowly food service drones, and of course would help to pass the time, but even Zim was unprepared for how quickly the "tale" turned into a fully-fledged rant. Without the Dib, the victory of Earth didn't seen quite so sweet.

"And the Tallest sent ME! A successful INVADER! Out on this mission! After my AMAZING conquest of that USELESS lump of filth, I should be HONOURED!"

One of the Irkens propped himself up on his elbow, blinking his green eyes dazedly at Zim. It was supposed to take at least 2 revolutions of Irk to get to their new job, and Zim had been speaking at the top of his lungs without rest for...well, he wasn't sure how long it had been now. Not to mention the fact that his SIR unit would just not shut UP. He caught the gaze of the food service deportee on his left, and the co-worker on his right in a silent mutual agreement. They bolted for their quarters, slamming and locking the doors behind them.

Not to be outdone, Zim shouted his story louder still.

Of course, the stunning conquest of Earth had not been as well planned out as Zim said it was, but that was to be expected.

The true story of so-called "amazing conquest" had in fact been a giant mistake that had just barely worked itself out in Zim's favor. During one of his chats with Vortian Prisoner 777, Zim had been delighted to discover that the slowly deteriorating brain of the scientist had also created the battle tanks he so desperately craved.

Zim could follow directions when he so chose, and he had followed the directions exactly - the weapons were set to cause mass destruction. The problem however - was that in building his fleet, he had forgotten that a fleet of weapons needed a fleet of able-bodied Irkens to control them. Zim could control one tank on his own, and GIR might be up to the task of controlling another, but it would leave unused tanks...and the Earth army, feeble as it was could probably stop one or two marauders.

Zim's ingenious brain had set to work solving this dilemma, and he had come up with a remote control system to control all of the tanks at once. Without precise directions to follow however, Zim's handiwork had a habit of going horribly wrong.

Somewhere in the process of trying to voice control the entire fleet of enormous battle tanks, he had managed to take out a very significant hunk of the Earth's defenses. From there, it was just downhill.

Zim had not been prepared for the sight of the carnage and destruction that had greeted him when he emerged, even his own home had been significantly demolished. It had been sheer luck that he'd located Dib's boot out the side of the rubble. The earth-beast might have been on his way to try and stop Zim when the collapse of the house had knocked him out cold. He had laid in state for many days - Zim had placed him in a tube during that time. Upon coming to, Dib had shouted himself hoarse, until a lack of food and crippling despair had forced him to be silent, though shocks of sight and sound prompted delirious babbling.

Falling silent as he thought of the human, it occurred to Zim that the most lively display he'd seen out of the human had been in his new home when he'd removed the Dib from the tube. The small invader scowled, then frowned. It was silly to worry about the Dib - he had probably long been reduced to jars of organs. Perhaps the Tallest would at least let him keep the spleen as a trophy.

Heh. Spleen.

The maniacal cackling that followed this thought effectively ensured that Zim would be spending the remainder of the journey with simply GIR for company. If the idea of Dib displayed in jars had not kept his brain sufficiently occupied, Zim would have been surprised to discover that this thought did not bother him in the least.

* * *

Despite Purple's apparent interest in keeping Dib as what he evidently assumed to be a rather stupid pet of sorts, it was Red who arrived with a crew of guards to take him back to Spartan, but comfortably humanesque quarters. Thank goodness that Irkens were built at least relatively like humans. It might have been worse - he could have been stuck with tentacles. 

In the dull ruby glow of the room (Irkens apparently did not require a lot of lighting), Dib found he could not sleep, and squinted around around until he found a place to sit. Red and Purple - they were both in charge of this planet but for whatever reason, they were divided.

On the one hand, there was Red. Red was, at least for now - the more difficult one to figure out. All that Dib was really certain of was that he definitely was not to be trusted. Clearly, Red was the one in charge - of the ship, of the Empire and most especially - of Dib's fate. The mere fact that he was still alive was proof enough of that. The red-eyed leader had needed him for something - to control or mollify Zim had been the first guess, however now that he had time to think about it, if that was his purpose, he would have been left in Zim's hands, rather than taken here.

Which begged another question - where exactly was this division between the rulers going? Was Dib to be stuck in the middle of a civil war?

If that was the case...Dib hoped fervently that the ensuing destruction would be enough to wipe the Irken race out entirely.

Wouldn't it be great if both sides finished themselves off?

Clinging to that thought as his only source of warmth in the room that he now found slightly too cold for his liking, Dib dropped into a heavy, and totally necessary sleep.

* * *

A soft swoosh noise behind Red caused him to jump. Quick as a flash, the security camera changed scenes from Dib in his room to it's usual sweep of the hallways that wound through the Massive. 

"Everything under control?" Purple's voice was light, tentative.

To his relief, Red merely nodded, adding a soft mutter in the affirmative.

"And we're going to keep that Dib?" Maybe this was treading dangerous ground - but this had been the only opportunity to catch Red in a good mood for ages.

Another nod. "Oh - I think he'll be quite useful."

Purple simply shook his head. If Red wasn't exactly going to tell him outright what possible use he could find for such a useless looking creature, then the only thing he could do was wait and see. Sensing, and rightly so - that no more information could be gathered at this point, he made a quiet exit.

The second Purple had left the room, the screen abruptly returned to the sleeping human. Red frowned at the image, scrutinizing. What exactly was it that had caused Zim to put up such a fight when this creature had been taken from him? There had to be more to this story than just what he had seen. Zim had gone far beyond wearing his squeedily spooch on his sleeve - it was up on a blinking neon Foodcourtia sign. Even he however, was not entirely an open book… mostly because he was too clueless to know exactly what was going on.

There was something special about this human - something perhaps that Zim himself did not even know. What it was, Red needed to figure out - and soon. He really couldn't stand Purple for much longer.

* * *

**Author's Notes;**

I needed a break from the Intarweb...but I did work on and off on this chapter, as well as chapter 9 of Frequency during that time. Hopefully it was worth the wait.


	5. Chapter Five

**Title:** The Only Way Is Up  
**Author:** Mizander  
**Rating:** R  
**Summary:** Imagine, for just a second, that you had it all. Now sit back and eat a few snacks while you watch the Irken Empire find out the hard way that having the Universe enslaved isn't quite as much fun as the conquest.  
**Warnings:** Sit down for a second. Yeah, Right now. This story contains SLASH. Slash entails Homosexuality. IF you do not like the idea of a HOMOSEXUAL relationship between two males, do yourself a favor and click the back button right now and go find something more suited to your tastes. Or, if you REALLY feel the intense burning need to waste your time flaming me, go right ahead. I could do with a laugh, but remember, instead of entertaining me - you could be playing outside in the sunshine. It's alll up to you...

**Chapter Five**

Dib was not sure how long he been asleep, but when he finally awoke of his own accord he found himself still alone and undisturbed yet despite this, unable to return to his dreams. He lay, still and curled up, eyes closed against the dim light in the room. Although he gave the outward appearance of still being deep in sleep, his mind whirled furiously. He wanted to use this moment of quiet and solitude to assess his situation more fully; to analyze and pick apart the nuances of what was really going on. For all that he tried to get his thoughts in order, he seemed unable to get past basic facts he already knew. Things that were important only to his continued survival, not his slowly growing master plan.

Whether it was still leftover shock from the experience of coming out of suspended animation, or whether his mind had still not adapted to the severity of his current situation, he wasn't sure. It was a frustration, but he knew full well that like everything of importance in this new lifestyle, it would take time.

When the Irken soldiers inevitably came in to retrieve him, he heard them, but let them believe they were shaking him awake - jumping slightly in feigned surprise when one grabbed his shoulder and pushed him to a sitting position. He jolted again, this time in real shock when something smooth and artificially cool slid around his throat. His hands automatically flew up to remove it, but when it didn't tighten or choke him, he relaxed somewhat, eying the soldiers questioningly.

It was explained to him rather tersely by the taller (and probably higher ranking, Dib deduced) soldier, that it was a tracking collar, in order to keep him in line. A small bubble of annoyance rose in his throat at the idea of such a device around his neck, but he swallowed it back down and simply followed the two to see 'The Tallest'. In the short time he had spent aboard the Massive, Dib had quickly discovered that 'The Tallest' could refer to Red, Purple or both together. He was however, willing to lay down money that the third option wasn't a common one.

* * *

It was Purple who was waiting for him this time and as Dib had predicted, Red was nowhere in sight. Dib desperately wanted to ask why, but he knew that this was neither the time nor the place, nor - perhaps, the leader he should be talking to. Torn again between anger at his forced subservience and a mad desire to know it all, Dib bit his tongue and reminded himself of something that Agent Darkbootie had told him not long before Earth's destruction. The mark of a good Investigator - Paranormal or otherwise, was to ask the right questions at the right times...and know when to keep your 'goddamn mouth shut the rest of the time'. He'd really not had much of a chance to employ that strategy on Earth, but he couldn't afford to fly off the handle here. The Human Race only had one chance to be avenged.

There was, however - one question that still bothered him deeply. "Uh. My Tallest? Could I ask a question?" He even raised his hand, like they were told to in skool.

Purple looked surprised, maybe at the gesture, maybe because of the question, but nevertheless waved an accommodating arm at him. "Go ahead."

"I wanted to know if Zim..."

Purple's face clouded over the instant the name left Dib's lips. Mirrored eyes popping from his head with apoplectic rage, the Irken leader batted a guard away hard in order to heft Dib effortlessly up by the shoulders so that he could stare down at him nose to nose. "Zim," he hissed, "is a three-character Irken word for Colossal FUCKUP."

After depositing Dib back on solid ground, Purple proceeded to give the human his orders for the day. He seemed to revert to a more pleasant demeanor, and Dib made a mental note not to pursue his question about Zim with Purple. He wasn't quite willing to try something like that again with either of the Tallest until he'd gotten a better feel for what might be allowed.

* * *

Dib slid his hand idly along his new collar, looking for cracks in the plastic-like substance that he knew from repeating the same action at least a dozen times already, were not there. He could not find a mirror anywhere aboard the Tallest's ship, but the first time he'd been alone, he'd immediately touched the thing, groping along like a blind man. It felt flimsy, and from experience with Zim, Dib had immediately assumed that it was poorly constructed.

The attempt to pull it off was something he hoped to forget. Working a finger in between his skin and the device, he'd tried to yank it hard enough for it to break. Not only did the collar not yield, but a sudden sensation of shock to his throat had convinced him that it would not be wise to try a second time.

His hand slid from the collar, against his skin and over his ear. Perhaps in time he would be able to remove the slave security device, but for now, the fact that he'd learned to turn the language translator off and on was a step in the right direction.

He'd amused himself around the hangar bay for awhile by adlibbing replies in English when asked questions, then turning the translator back on to find out what had really been said. He'd had to quickly give the game up however - a particularly irate Irken had been less than amused when the slave did not answer promptly, and Dib now had bruises in quite a few places, not to mention a rather severe black eye. Even now he was deliberating what he would tell the Tallest if asked. Apart from the fact that they'd probably be displeased with his insubordination, he did not necessarily want them to know that he had was making any kind of progress in the field of learning Irken technology.

Speaking of which, the ship had been put on autopilot and was now landing itself on someplace called Foodcourtia. He hadn't mentioned Tak's ship either.

He snapped the switch to 'off' as he made his way down the street of the planet. He doubted if anyone would talk to him here.

The overpowering smell of food was odd to him after so much time on the Massive. Irkens did not have an unpleasant odor, but they did not smell of anything remotely living either. In fact, they smelled like a mixture of the sterilizing cleansers used in hospitals, and the iodine solution that his Dad had used on surgical tools in the lab whenever he was on one of his 'Biology' kicks.

He was jostled along through a sea of Irkens, most of them giving him curious looks. Dib suspected that it was not only the slave collar, but the fact that with the obvious exceptions, he was quite a bit taller than your average Irken. The time spent in Zim's tube had stunted his growth considerably - he might actually have been past six feet had his growth been uninterrupted. Now, however- the antennae of the taller irkens tickled the bottom of his chin if they got too close. He decided he liked the feelers. It reminded him a little bit of walking through tall, wild grass.

Looking at the scribbled direction one last time for verification, he stopped at the end of the walkway and gazed at the building on the corner. This was the place. He was glad he'd thought to bring the hover cart out of the ship - he suspected that despite the size of the order, nobody would help him carry it.

* * *

Dib switched his translator back on, and pushed open the doors to the restaurant called Schloogorgh's. His first thought was that he'd come to the wrong place. In fact, MacMeaties would have looked positively glamorous by comparison. Nevertheless, this place had to have SOME merits, as every booth was packed with Irken customers.

Finding the restaurant's owner was none too difficult either. If 'Sizz-Lor' wasn't distinguishable by his name tag, then the fact that he was by far the largest Irken in the place certainly made him stand out. Upon closer inspection, the restaurant manager was actually only about the same height as Dib. It was his sheer width that made him command such presence.

"Sizz-Lor?" He made a slight bow, feeling somewhat foolish.

"Heh. Slave to the Tallest huh?"

"Uh...yeah." Whatever Dib had been expecting, Sizz-Lor wasn't exactly it. The heavy-set Irken while physically terrifying, gave the impression that so long as you weren't being a total moron, he wasn't going to waste any extra effort lambasting you all over the nearest wall.

He nodded, hefting himself out of the booth. "Yep, Tallest Purple sent a message ahead. Told me to be expecting you."

"I have a list..." Dib offered, pulling it out of his pocket.

Sizz-Lor took the list and read it to himself without batting an eye. Maybe the Tallest threw parties that required this amount of food all the time...or maybe with all the new slaves, the restaurant manager wasn't worried about money or supplies.

Hollering something unintelligible to the slaves in the kitchens, Sizz-Lor turned around back to Dib. "Yep..." he said again, but there was a strange hint of something like pride in his voice this time. "I knew the Tallest back when we were in the educational plug. You know, before they were the Tallest."

Deciding that Sizz-Lor felt sharing this merited appropriate response on his audience's part, Dib nodded politely and tried to look appropriately impressed.

The alien's face twisted bizarrely, as though he'd forgotten something important. "They were both..." he paused, as though the next few words took effort to say. "...very...popular."

Dib was only starting to ponder the merits of asking Sizz-Lor what exactly he had meant by that statement, when the order arrived and Dib was preoccupied with loading his tray and being jostled quickly out of the restaurant.

* * *

He arrived back without consequence, the hover cart laden with food traveling along at his heels like a puppy. He rubbed his now purpling eye gingerly while he waited for the hangar-bay slaves to announce his presence to the Tallest, but placed his hands conspicuously out of sight when the Alien leader arrived. No sense drawing any extra attention to it.

He needn't have worried, as Purple seemed hardly to notice that Dib had been in any way damaged and merely ordered some slaves to cart away the supplies. Dib felt he should have guessed. The days where some one might have remotely, in some small way cared about the state of his well-being, were gone. Even Gaz might have left him some ice packed in a napkin had he annoyed her long enough with complaints. The Irken leaders on the other hand could easily get a new slave to pick their food up if this one couldn't do it's job.

"Dib."

He froze and turned to face Red, who had come up behind him, unsurprisingly only moments after Purple had left. Dib internally cursed, but put up his newly acquired accommodating front "My Tallest?"

"If my co-ruler can hoard you away from me for half the day picking up snacks, then I have a job for you as well. Come with me." And with that, Red turned swiftly, activating the sensor that opened a nearby door.

He followed Red into the room. The Irken leader gestured at a chair, and Dib, quite against his will - sat down. The door hissed shut behind them with an echoing snap that put Dib in mind of a jail cell closing.

"How have you been enjoying your time here, Dib?"

Dib gritted his teeth. Red's habit of being genial when he wanted something important reminded him irritatingly of his father. 'How are you this fine morning Son? Ready to try REAL SCIENCE?'

Sure enough, Red didn't bother to wait for a reply, but just launched straight off on another tangent. "Well then. This next task is a little more difficult than just picking up snacks, but I think you might be up to the challenge." He leered at Dib for a second, then let his face fall, bringing one two-fingered claw to his forehead as though to stave off a headache. "I just...can't go on like this anymore."

The contrast in his attitude was so powerful that Dib couldn't stop himself from expressing a knee-jerk concern. Maybe even evil leaders got stressed out sometimes. "My Tallest?"

Red wheeled away from him, his words muffled by his hands. "I can NOT take that ... incompetent...have to get rid of..."

"Yes, I know - you want me to get rid of Zim right?" Dib ventured. "I can…"

"Not ZIM...well, yes Zim. But I'm talking about Purple!"

"Your co-ruler?" A very nasty sick feeling was manifesting itself in Dib's stomach. He could tell right from the beginning that there was some kind of a rift between the two rulers but assassination? Of a Ruler? "I couldn't do that!"

"Think of it as a warm up Dib!" Red was all energy again, and Dib found himself swallowing yet another angry bubble at falling for the play-acting. "After taking out a powerful Irken leader, Zim should be nothing at all."

"I...that's..." Dib's voice petered out, and he fell silent, though glaring reproachfully at Red - damn the consequences.

He'd been about to say 'inhuman', but given the circumstances, that really wasn't much of an argument.

"Horrible?" Red supplied, not bothering to look around at Dib. "I thought that's how you might feel, but quite frankly this happens to be a matter of opinion, and your opinion doesn't matter."

Dib frowned; he was caught between a rock and a hard place. As long as that slave collar was working - he did not want to find out what it would do to him if he didn't do what Red asked. On the other hand, Purple could just as easily activate it to rid himself of his attacker. Either way, he was completely at the mercy of one or the other of the Tallest.

"I won't do it. You can kill me." Dib's jaw tightened in resolve as he decided. Purple had always been much nicer to him, if it could be called 'nice', and there were a million and one far worse consequences that would happen to go hand in hand with murdering a beloved Irken leader in cold blood.

When Red still did not show surprise, Dib's heart sank. Had he really been prepared for this reaction too?

"Very well Dib. You don't have to kill my Co-ruler."

The surprise must have been really evident on Dib's face because Red laughed again. "However...I will have to punish you for insubordination."

Hardly daring to believe his stroke of good luck, Dib was almost relieved - at least a beating was something he could take.

Hovering over to the control panel in the room, Red flicked on a switch. The screen was filled with a smoldering rubble in the background and...the unmistakable voice of...

"Invader Zim? The planet Sludge is scheduled for demolition in five minutes. I guess you won't be able to get off of it in time. Too bad, isn't it?"

Zim took a few seconds to process that one. "WHAT?"

"Bye now!" Red cheerfully clicked the screen off before Zim could get out another word and turned to face his human slave.

"WHAT?" Dib parroted Zim, momentarily forgetting about keeping his mouth shut.

"You wanted to destroy Zim. You wouldn't do as I asked, so now you can't have that pleasure. I can't say I'm terribly sorry."

Dib fidgeted in his seat. Zim was finally going to be destroyed...and he might manage to survive here a little longer if he took that as his punishment. As Zim's five minutes ticked down, Dib thought harder. Red watched him closely.

"Wait!" Dib prayed that it wasn't too late. "I'll...do...I'll do my job. What you asked."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Two fic updates in two nights. Yay.

Anyway – We're slowly creeping closer to the moment when I will actually have to bite my lip and write actual relationship (read: the promised ZADR) plotline. Stay tuned for that.

Also; a thank-you to Ukemura for the use of her line: _"It's a matter of opinion, and your opinion doesn't matter."_

After all that: I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading, I enjoy long walks on the beach and reviews. :P


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